Dear David Newell,

As much as I love you, as much as I think you are a legend among men, and despite the fact that you're the only lecturer who can make me drag my lazy carcass out of bed at 8am for your poetry lectures even though I hate poetry... If you do not stop messing with my emotions and put the god-damn exam results up I will hunt you and kill you.

Yours in desperation,

Alice.